


love me (please)

by say_im_good



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Conditional Love, M/M, Settling, This is really sad, changbin is abusive, lovesick hyunjin, no actual smut just references to it, not proofread sorry, short fic, somewhat of a vent fic, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:35:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28624965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/say_im_good/pseuds/say_im_good
Summary: Bloody, bruised, aching. Hyunjin had said ‘I want you to love me forever’ to everyone who came and eventually went, but somehow he knew even beforehand this was the closest that he could get to being loved. And somehow that made it okay.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	love me (please)

The floor of the cage was still cold, never warming to his body heat. Changbin had thrown him a blanket two days ago, but had taken it away this morning when Hyunjin hadn’t woken up fast enough. Hyunjin’s stomach growled, but he’d long learned to ignore the cramping, even if it had him writhing sometimes, crying tears of frustration. 

He wondered how he ended up here, and shame creeped through his bones as he considered what his mother was probably thinking, whether she was still disappointed or just worried at this point. He lost everything looking for love, and finally he had stumbled upon a replica of it that glinted in the sun like love did and brought a smile to his face sometimes like love did. While this false love was ice cold, Hyunjin could look around that. At least he could pretend like it was legitimate if he didn’t think too hard about his circumstances. 

The moral of the story was to never stop loving yourself for someone else, but Hyunjin had never listened to morals, and he had never loved himself to begin with. 

It started with Chan, back in high school when Hyunjin wasn’t as…

(clingy)

(codependent) 

(afraid)

Chan was the talk of the school, the most attractive guy in junior year, and Hyunjin had just wanted to be friends at first once he heard that Chan made music. Hyunjin found his in when he needed an audio to dance to for class, and had instantly ran to Chan asking if the elder could compose one for him. Chan readily agreed, and in the process of making the song flow, they drew closer. 

It wasn’t until the night before graduation that anything started. Chan had invited Hyunjin over for a sleepover to celebrate their last night as students, but that wasn’t what it really was. Chan was going to a prestigious college hours away, and Hyunjin wasn’t going to college at all, his current part-time job offering him a full-time option after he was out of school. Even though it was never said, they both knew that the tight friendship that had developed over the two years they’d spent together would wither and fade without contact. Chan was bad at texting back, and Hyunjin didn’t expect that to change when he left. It was the first time Hyunjin really felt the emptiness that came so commonly later. The knowledge that Chan could easily make other friends wherever he went hung heavy in his thoughts, even in his dreams. 

At three in the morning, Chan asked if he could do something stupid. Hyunjin had said sure, and Chan leaned in and kissed him. 

Hyunjin had never craved affection before. He took a bite of the apple when Chan kissed him, and ever since he’s been…

(desperate?)

(craving)

(addicted-)

Seungmin was next. They met at work as Seungmin taught Hyunjin the ropes of being a full-time employee. There really weren’t too terribly many tasks to learn that Hyunjin didn’t already understand, so most of his training period was spent hanging out with Seungmin in the break room, or chatting in down times when customers weren’t as frequent. Hyunjin texted Chan every night when he got home. Chan replied once every few days. His responses grew shorter. Hyunjin vented about this to Seungmin, who frowned and patted his back and assured him that things like this didn’t happen often and Hyunjin would definitely make better friends at work. Hyunjin’s chest ached thinking about it. He didn’t want hypothetical ‘better friends,’ he wanted Chan to come back, he wanted the memories and the fun of their high school days to continue infinitely, he wanted another kiss, to be embraced one more time. 

But slowly, over the course of the next year, he and Seungmin drew closer until they were moving out from their parents houses to share an apartment closer to work together, until the day Seungmin came of age and they both drank and drank until their tongues were a little too loose for anything good and Hyunjin admitted that he wanted to be kissed again. 

Seungmin complied, and Hyunjin’s craving burst back to life as their lips meshed over and over. His body burned and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the alcohol or because of the heat of Seungmin’s hands on his face, on his neck, on his back once his shirt had been pulled off. 

It lasted for weeks that faded into blurry months, and Hyunjin couldn’t count on five hands how many times he and Seungmin had made out, laid naked in Hyunjin's bed, questioning whether they should move further and Seungmin deciding that they shouldn’t quite yet. Hyunjin never knew why until he came home early from work on Seungmin’s day off, sick to the bone after vomiting in the workplace toilet, and saw Seungmin holding and kissing a beautiful girl like he usually held and kissed Hyunjin. 

It was a storm that night. Hyunjin felt something sweep over him that he figured was the opposite of love. 

(betrayal)

(insecurity)

(brokenness) 

They broke the lease. Seungmin moved in with the girl who he’d apparently been dating since before he knew Hyunjin, and Hyunjin moved back in with his mother who scolded him for making such big decisions with someone so irresponsible. Hyunjin had lied about Seungmin refusing to pay rent so that he could come back. He wondered why he felt guilty for it. 

His older sister’s best friend’s name was Minho. Minho would come over to do homework with her, which had been a thing for over a decade as they had been platonically close since before Hyunjin could remember. 

Hyunjin didn’t know that Minho was sleeping over that night, so he stayed up later than his family and curled up on the living room couch. Seungmin’s words were still a fresh wound, and Hyunjin found himself crying over and over as he considered them.

(‘dont get so emotional. there wasn’t anything between us anyway.’)

(‘of course I have a girlfriend. did you actually think you meant something to me?’)

(‘i don’t love you, Hyunjin. I think that was a miscommunication between us.’)

The footsteps were quiet and Hyunjin jumped when he felt warm arms around him, pulling him in until his back was pressed to Minho’s torso. His heart raced as he felt it again, the warmth he craved, but he could no longer relax into it, afraid of what it would mean. 

“Hey, are you okay?”

Minho had asked. It was clear that he wasn’t, and with no response, Minho sighed and pulled Hyunjin closer, holding him until he fell asleep.

Hyunjin woke up in the morning alone, and had wondered if it was all a fever dream somehow caused from the dehydration of crying so much. It wasn’t until Minho texted him, saying he got his number from his sister, asking if he could be there for him.

Hyunjin stared at the phone for a long time before slowly replying that he was okay and was just having a bad night. 

He couldn’t risk it again. 

But Minho started sleeping over more, and Hyunjin found himself unable to resist the soft smiles and casual touches from the elder when he was still aching like this. 

He took the dive and kissed Minho for the first time a month later, and Minho had reluctantly kissed back, but it all ended there. 

(‘hyunjin, I don’t want to take this too far.’)

(‘i know you’re going through a rough time, so i want to be here for you’)

(‘but i love someone else and need to kind of… I guess save myself for her.’)

He stopped letting himself cry at home. He stopped being home most of the time in general, unless he saw that Minho’s car wasn’t in the driveway. Minho would text him sometimes, asking if he was okay. He couldn’t bring himself to respond. He knew it wasn’t the same as what happened with Seungmin, but somehow it hurt just as much. 

Was he unloveable? 

Was that it?

It took a month before he was ready to try again, determined to find someone who would love him. 

He started on a dating app and found someone quickly that matched his preferences. 

Jisung was everything. He was attractive, funny, and ready to take the next step with Hyunjin after just a few dates. Their kisses were sloppy and Jisung laughed that Hyunjin had no idea how to have sex despite being so desperate to do it. He said it was cute, and they stayed together for a very, very long time in comparison to how things had gone with everyone else before him. 

Hyunjin was just feeling safe when things started to fall apart. 

Jisung asked to invite someone to the relationship, and Hyunjin was so afraid of what saying no could cause that he agreed. Felix had a warm atmosphere and Hyunjin reassured himself that things would go okay, maybe even better than okay. With two people to love, it meant that he had two people who would love him.

But their first night in bed, the focus was entirely on Felix. 

Jisung stopped kissing him when he got home, started asking where Felix was when he walked through the door. 

Over the course of months, Hyunjin found himself more invisible than when he was alone, watching the happy relationship that he craved take place between the person he loved and the person who had replaced him. He couldn’t take it anymore. Finally saving enough money to get an apartment to himself, he moved out of his mother’s house to an entirely new city, wanting to get away from whatever curse was held over him in this one, wanting a fresh start from the pain and the fears that he’d developed. Jisung cussed him out over text for leaving without saying goodbye. Felix didn’t message him at all. 

Hyunjin jumped back onto the dating app once he realized that things could get lonelier. Without his mother and sister around, without familiar coworkers to distract him for eight hours a day, he was truly alone. He went through and accepted every message he got. Someone told him he was beautiful and it swam to his head. He got a job and spent all of the money he wasn’t blowing on rent and food to buy subtle makeup, hair products, skin care. 

He wasn’t even looking for a relationship anymore. People would come to him and he would give them everything that he had for the night. He’d wake up over half the time alone in his bed when someone had been there hours before, holding him, kissing him, making him feel something pleasant when everything was usually so 

(numb). 

He was genuinely shocked when one of his one night stands asked to return, but he hastily agreed and dolled himself up, waiting by the door until the bell rang. 

After they fucked, Changbin asked if he wanted to get coffee in the morning. Hyunjin was elated. 

Maybe the excitement was drowning out his conscious thinking at the time. Maybe it still was now. 

Over coffee, Changbin explained bluntly that he was looking for a relationship with harder boundaries. He had a lot of pent up emotions, both good and bad, that he wanted to let out. He said that if Hyunjin couldn’t handle it, he could leave now. But Hyunjin refused to decline what sounded like a permanent love. He could deal with the hardships. Whatever Changbin had in mind, he could deal with. He begged to stay, and Changbin smiled, rubbed his hair, and invited him over.

Hyunjin hadn’t expected to be ushered into Changbin’s bed almost immediately upon arrival, didn’t expect to be handcuffed and edged for hours. He was sobbing by the time Changbin finally let him out of the cuffs, but somehow even this was better than being alone, and he promised Changbin that he could handle it through blurry tears and shaking hands. 

It had only been a month, and things had escalated somewhat. Changbin told Hyunjin to quit his job or their set-up wouldn’t work, and blindly, knowing that he was doing something stupid, Hyunjin quit on the spot. Thankfully Changbin made enough to support both of them. Changbin was finicky, moody, and extremely decisive. Hyunjin rode on the waves of his emotions. The first night that Changbin locked him in the cage was shocking, and he had cried once the elder went to work, cried himself to sleep. But the relief he felt upon waking up and seeing Changbin unlocking the cage was a mock happiness in and of itself, and somehow he began to crave that feeling as well. 

Changbin held him so tightly. Changbin kissed him so well. Changbin wasn’t going to leave because he’d never find someone as desperate to stay in such conditions as Hyunjin and they both knew it. 

Even when he was hit, even when he was thrown on the bed and fucked so harshly that it hurt during and after, even when he was starved, Hyunjin could call himself happy in comparison to the emptiness he felt before. Even when Changbin took away his phone and broke it under his boot. Even when Changbin screamed at him for wetting himself in the cage. 

Even if the love wasn’t love at all, Hyunjin could still pretend. Because Changbin wasn’t going to leave, and Changbin would hold him sometimes, and Changbin would just often enough say something like 

(‘you’re beautiful’)

(‘i’m so lucky to have you’)

(‘i want to keep you here forever’). 

And Hyunjin couldn’t begin to expect anything better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading if you're reaching the end of this. I haven't written anything in six months so I don't think this is very good, but I'm in such a down right now that I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. Writing this was really calming, so thank you for reading. If you enjoyed it, please tell me what you think in the comments. Thank you again. Have a good night.


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